Hungry Ghosts

• sometimes thoughts clear and focus , at other times , muddy and hard to reach .
• sometimes thoughts move too fast to follow , too slow to bother , or nice middle in between .
• sometimes see and hear things which others do not , sometimes oblivious to information others pick up , and sometimes neither at all .
• sometimes impulsive and hard to hold back , bless that poor chamberlain haskill , sometimes left completely lethargic and apathetic , and sometimes able to think through plans sensibly .
• sometimes able to work within bounds of language , sometimes lose grip entirely .

tired of disability positivity posts that say - not stupid , not crazy , not lazy , whatever .
what if , though ? what if stupid , what if crazy , and likewise ?

some people wear these as badges of honour - that manage to survive this way , in world which work against atypical brains and bodies .
but in general , why should these things be bad things to be ? all this do is - ironically , given this is usually in direct opposite to written message - glorify ability to still be smart , to still be sane , to still be functional . to cede that yes , stupidity is bad , insanity is bad - disability simply place above these frameworks .

in extension of this , feel like so many people use this as justification to still hate on people who exhibit traits which associate with stupidity or insanity . can not stand slow talkers , can not stand people who need to ask clarification , snap at ultimately inconsequential actions that more often than not come from variations and struggles in brain and body .

there is no way to know history and diagnoses of stranger , after all - there is no name to justify these traits .
but there should not need to be . should be willing to accept traits and variations , entirely regardless of names and justifications , entirely regardless of perception as stupid or crazy or anything else .

crosspost from tumblr @ thaliendir .

dhajan's main character struggle is , definitely need to learn how to prioritise self .

baomi was never intentionally neglectful of dhajan - and would forever regret , wish to do things differently , if only there was chance to do all over - but dhajan see where baomi struggle and try so very hard to help . in small ways , would come to rely on dhajan - little errands that baomi just did not have time or energy to go out and do , but could not leave either .

truth is , baomi is guilty of this as well , put forward energy and time for others when run on fumes for self , struggle to ask for help . with grief over husband but also two kids to raise , baomi just did not have means to really recover and find peace , and pass down bad habits to dhajan .

dhajan feel need to serve others and to have approval , and swallow back true feelings and desires to make that happen . fantasy dhajan is truly proud in self , feel no need to hide breasts , honestly even sexually active - real dhajan consider these to be impossible , weep for dreams and try to push away .

but ... experiences of death change people . to face down possibility that one will never live life of dreams , that friends and family will remember not truest self , but this image of misery ... absolutely fucking harrowing .
maybe that will be what awaken dhajan .

crosspost from tumblr . ( original post )
 
dreamwidth-exclusive preface : kossai write this for public tags , and address audience as presumably non-psychotic . something of simplification here , by all means , but hope at least one stubborn person on tumblr might better sympathise after this . and if this thought experiment help to explain , please feel free to use .

unreality thought experiment ahead . 

now , to be clear , some folks do fairly naturally double book-keep - might even find life is better this way . but not all do , and to enforce this standard is hurtful . not only do this write off experiences as simple and unprofound lies , but also can worsen mental state , even set off other , more painful delusions .

again , kossai feel pains similar to this in denial of faeriehood and religion - paganism is already minority here , and even other pagans travel vastly different paths . there is simply no way to be upfront and explain depths , let alone touch upon faeriehood and faerie body . denial is necessity in order to get anything out of systems , but that denial also take huge toll on mood .
and yet kossai is in some way lucky . when these interactions end , kossai can retreat back to safety , indulge faeriehood , comfortably sit down with religion again , and recover . not all folks have that ability - whether because people take away such privacy and safety , or because this denial of experience send into crises outright .

double book-keep is not friend of everyone , and would do very well to remember that - to remember this thought experiment and understand just how badly this can hurt .