Hungry Ghosts

(this did severals over on fedi so it's probably worth crossposting here, even if it doesn't quite meet my standards for a "finished" essay)

sometimes while trawling plural spaces, I see folks posting about how they feel "useless" and like they aren't "doing their job," and the framing is always something along the lines of "my role is [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun], so it's my job to [Do Thing], but I haven't been able to do it for [entirely understandable reasons], so I feel like I'm a bad [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun] and that my existence in the system is pointless"

and... this is just reminding me of why my headmates and I have a personal vendetta against the concept of system roles as they're so often used in the community. because very often, roles are used in a very prescriptive way, where being a protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun is something that you are rather than something that you do, and thus Doing Your Job is the Reason for your existence.

when, you know, that's kind of a fucked up thing to put on yourself, you know? everyone should be allowed to exist without a Reason and without having to perform some Service to justify their continued existence. (and like, I get that in plurality, so many of us come into existence for some reason, but there's a difference between acknowledging your history and continuing to keep yourself in the box even when it's suffocating you, you know?)

and like. so often the things that folks are expecting themselves to do, 24/7, as their Role In The System are unrealistic and unsustainable. stuff like being The Functional One or The One Who Takes All Of The Pain Away or somesuch while the system is in living situations that are frankly untenable, like living under the thumb of people who tear them down day after day. and like, I get it, sometimes your options are limited because you're just a kid and the abusers who have you under their thumb are your parents and there are no fucking good options anywhere for kids to get out of bad home situations, and you have no choice but to tread water or to take the Devil's boat.

but I think that at the very least, it's worth acknowledging that this is treading water rather than any kind of viable solution, that Being The One Who Takes The Pain Away is an impossible thing to maintain forever, and that when you inevitably are unable to keep up the facade anymore, that is not a problem with you. you did not fail, your existence is not pointless because you couldn't keep up with an impossible demand into perpetuity; it is not you that needs to change, it is your living situation, even if the only change you can make right now is tiny, tiny. even if the only change is forgiving yourself for being a limited being, like all of the rest of us.

'Your Life Is Not Over: A Book Of Apocalypses And How To Survive Them' is a zine for newly sick and disabled people (or people who have been here a while and are struggling), with poetry and practical tips.

The tips are the things I wish I'd known twenty years ago, which disabled people often have to learn on their own through painful experience, about dealing with doctors, rest, building systems to manage your condition, and more.

The poetry centres on the fact that we are told so few stories about what disabled lives look like, and they're almost always from abled people's imaginations. We don't get told the stories of adapting, having a happy life while still sick and sore and tired. I have tried to tell some of our real stories of coping with grief and rage and then getting on with living.'

Beast Breaker is a turn-based, mouse-bouncing adventure. You play as a tiny warrior named Skipper, tasked with defending innocents from giant mosaic beasts that threaten to destroy everything.

The game combines satisfying pinball physics with tactical decision making. Pick a style of attack, line up the best angle, and launch! Watch Skip careen around the screen and break the giant beasts to pieces.

Along the way, you will meet a vibrant cast of characters who will help you craft equipment, master unique new fighting styles, and maybe even discover the origin of the Beasts...

this is hard to say kindly, but i feel that there are some people who think that pride is the comfort of having a nice, dictionary-defined, socially-accepted box to live in, and not the righteous fury of fighting back against the machinery that tries to put you in that box

fascist sickos like "Gender Criticals" want you in a box and happy with your box and ready to defend the boundaries of your box and your right to live in a box because it makes it so easy for them to come around and start picking off everyone who's stuck outside without one

and maybe, the hope is, they can even get you to help -- by making you fear and resent people who challenge the neat little categorization schema you've invested yourself in! i see this happening so much already, among people just a few years younger than me -- it's terrifying!!

to be clear, i don't think it'll work. the fact of the matter is that when you don't belong, you don't belong. and none of us belong, friends. that's why we have pride. we say we're proud because we KNOW, whether or not we pretend we don't, that it's radical to love to be queer

being a radical, unacceptable, uncategorizable, unapologetic queer weirdo is a form of protest all on its own. belonging on exactly your own terms is the only kind of belonging that will ever matter in the long run. this is my politics and it will be until the day i die. love ya

Do you have personal experiences of multiplicity?
If you are between 14 and 30 years old, this study may be for you.

PhD study for adolescents and young adults with emerging multiplicity.
We're looking for adolescents and young adults between 14 and 30 years old who have personal experiences of emerging multiplicity (the experience of having more than one self in the same body).
We are researching how people experience multiplicity, in order to create some guidance materials for healthcare workers.

Participants will be asked to participate in 1 initial interview, 1 follow up interview 1-2 months later, a focus group with professionals and a support network (if you want to).

Not available for an interview but want to take part?
An online survey is also available for participants that don't want to/aren't available for an interview and want to share their experiences
http://mmu.eu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6FpGfoHdofI8AOW

Location: All interviews will take place via Skype (you do not need an account for this).

Are you eligible?
Between 14 and 30 years old, have personal experiences of multiplicity, speak conversational English to engage in an interview.

If you want to take part, or you have any questions about the study, please contact the researcher
Zarah Eve, MSc, Bsc(Hons)
Z.eve@mmu.ac.uk

The research project has been accepted by Manchester Metropolitan University Ethics Committee: 24208