(no subject)

[hungryghosts]

(this did severals over on fedi so it's probably worth crossposting here, even if it doesn't quite meet my standards for a "finished" essay)

sometimes while trawling plural spaces, I see folks posting about how they feel "useless" and like they aren't "doing their job," and the framing is always something along the lines of "my role is [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun], so it's my job to [Do Thing], but I haven't been able to do it for [entirely understandable reasons], so I feel like I'm a bad [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun] and that my existence in the system is pointless"

and... this is just reminding me of why my headmates and I have a personal vendetta against the concept of system roles as they're so often used in the community. because very often, roles are used in a very prescriptive way, where being a protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun is something that you are rather than something that you do, and thus Doing Your Job is the Reason for your existence.

when, you know, that's kind of a fucked up thing to put on yourself, you know? everyone should be allowed to exist without a Reason and without having to perform some Service to justify their continued existence. (and like, I get that in plurality, so many of us come into existence for some reason, but there's a difference between acknowledging your history and continuing to keep yourself in the box even when it's suffocating you, you know?)

and like. so often the things that folks are expecting themselves to do, 24/7, as their Role In The System are unrealistic and unsustainable. stuff like being The Functional One or The One Who Takes All Of The Pain Away or somesuch while the system is in living situations that are frankly untenable, like living under the thumb of people who tear them down day after day. and like, I get it, sometimes your options are limited because you're just a kid and the abusers who have you under their thumb are your parents and there are no fucking good options anywhere for kids to get out of bad home situations, and you have no choice but to tread water or to take the Devil's boat.

but I think that at the very least, it's worth acknowledging that this is treading water rather than any kind of viable solution, that Being The One Who Takes The Pain Away is an impossible thing to maintain forever, and that when you inevitably are unable to keep up the facade anymore, that is not a problem with you. you did not fail, your existence is not pointless because you couldn't keep up with an impossible demand into perpetuity; it is not you that needs to change, it is your living situation, even if the only change you can make right now is tiny, tiny. even if the only change is forgiving yourself for being a limited being, like all of the rest of us.

Comments

Would that thinking beings did not have to trouble themselves with purpose

[dismallyoriented]

It would solve a lot of problems if people could not fall prey to this particular flavor of spiral, but so it goes.

I've been having semi-related woes recently, in that a newcomer/returnee to a social space I'm in has been deep in a similar pit, so concerned with being able to Contribute to conversations that even normal social bumps (disinterest in their topic, a mild disagreement) will lead to a minor collapse. Other folks have already given perspective and advice, so they're at least turning it around a little. But yeah, tying one's sense of self-worth to a 100% batting average when the thing you're doing will have a normal ambient failure rate will wreck you badly. It's so important to be both realistic about your own capabilities as a person *and* the circumstances you're in. Otherwise a totally ordinary and expectable bad outcome will have you ripping into yourself for no reason.

Also to wrap it back to the plurality part. If you wouldn't take a singlet to task for like, failing to keep their composure under extreme duress, or failing to successfully navigate a tricky social situation, or failing to help a friend out of a depressive spiral - you really shouldn't be staking your own right to exist over doing the same. A failure is just a failure and not an indictment against your right to exist.

Re: Would that thinking beings did not have to trouble themselves with purpose

[the_broken_tower]

>> tying one's sense of self-worth to a 100% batting average when the thing you're doing will have a normal ambient failure rate will wreck you badly. It's so important to be both realistic about your own capabilities as a person *and* the circumstances you're in. Otherwise a totally ordinary and expectable bad outcome will have you ripping into yourself for no reason. <<

Ouch. You're right. This is why we've had to back off from Dreamwidth over the past few months/year-ish. The low level of engagement was too much of an energy sink with other things going on and kept leading to spirals whenever someone would try to post.

- Fourteen (he/him)

[kossai]

for sure , for fucking sure .

some here in kossai have skills or traits that give edge in particular circumstances , and sometimes note those things down - with or without common shorthand like caretaker or protector - but ... that is never only role or reason to be out , or expectation to always fill these shoes . fairly likely to be among first call if need that specific help , but no pressure , and not why anyone value .

even in times of need , sometimes just can not give . and that is OK ... might result in technically preventable hurt , but not make morally wrong or failure of person . simple truth is , no one can pour from empty glass .

[the_broken_tower]

It's kind of like working on a team in a job - everyone has different skillsets, and has highs and lows. But if they don't want to do something, they shouldn't have to just because they're good at it.

- Fourteen (he/him)

[kossai]

for sure !

[the_broken_tower]

I don't see much difference in that kind of role and the kind of role like golden child/scapegoat/victim, or identifying yourself through a job you're working, or by a relationship you have.

Jobs can change, they aren't you. Hopefully you do a job that you like, but that should be your choice - your job doesn't make you. Same with relationships. You know? Different locus of control. One allows for personal agency and choice, the other... doesn't, really.

- Ryou (he/him)

[stealthsystem]

Oh yes. this is so so so so true. Thank you all for saying it.
Also, where are you all on the fediverse? We'd like to follow if we could.

[hungryghosts]

[Phosphor] https://nightfeather.cafe/bazelgeuse_apologist is mine and https://nightfeather.cafe/users/lorekeeper is Lark's, but the instance is on allowlist mode and might not have your instance added. We can add it to the allowlist if that's the case, though. What's your account?

[stealthsystem]

We are at rhymersandstealth at wanderingshop dot com. But we know precious little about the fediverse.
Also, we looked at your bio, Phosphor, and screamed because you play Fallen London. Weffknow so few people who play that, and it’s so much fun!

[lb_lee]

Say a prayer for all the Inner Self-Helpers who feel obligated to know/remember everything (and often be saintly patient and pleasant as well)!