(no subject)

[hungryghosts]

(this did severals over on fedi so it's probably worth crossposting here, even if it doesn't quite meet my standards for a "finished" essay)

sometimes while trawling plural spaces, I see folks posting about how they feel "useless" and like they aren't "doing their job," and the framing is always something along the lines of "my role is [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun], so it's my job to [Do Thing], but I haven't been able to do it for [entirely understandable reasons], so I feel like I'm a bad [protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun] and that my existence in the system is pointless"

and... this is just reminding me of why my headmates and I have a personal vendetta against the concept of system roles as they're so often used in the community. because very often, roles are used in a very prescriptive way, where being a protector/caretaker/Some Other Noun is something that you are rather than something that you do, and thus Doing Your Job is the Reason for your existence.

when, you know, that's kind of a fucked up thing to put on yourself, you know? everyone should be allowed to exist without a Reason and without having to perform some Service to justify their continued existence. (and like, I get that in plurality, so many of us come into existence for some reason, but there's a difference between acknowledging your history and continuing to keep yourself in the box even when it's suffocating you, you know?)

and like. so often the things that folks are expecting themselves to do, 24/7, as their Role In The System are unrealistic and unsustainable. stuff like being The Functional One or The One Who Takes All Of The Pain Away or somesuch while the system is in living situations that are frankly untenable, like living under the thumb of people who tear them down day after day. and like, I get it, sometimes your options are limited because you're just a kid and the abusers who have you under their thumb are your parents and there are no fucking good options anywhere for kids to get out of bad home situations, and you have no choice but to tread water or to take the Devil's boat.

but I think that at the very least, it's worth acknowledging that this is treading water rather than any kind of viable solution, that Being The One Who Takes The Pain Away is an impossible thing to maintain forever, and that when you inevitably are unable to keep up the facade anymore, that is not a problem with you. you did not fail, your existence is not pointless because you couldn't keep up with an impossible demand into perpetuity; it is not you that needs to change, it is your living situation, even if the only change you can make right now is tiny, tiny. even if the only change is forgiving yourself for being a limited being, like all of the rest of us.

Comments

[lb_lee]

Say a prayer for all the Inner Self-Helpers who feel obligated to know/remember everything (and often be saintly patient and pleasant as well)!