(no subject)

[hungryghosts]

(crossposting a thing I wrote in Discord so I don't lose it)

Was working on our "am I plural" guide but now I'm distracted by the thought of writing a "this is how we do emotional regulation as a system" essay

I feel like a lot of emotional regulation in systems keeps being "designate one headmate as the Omelas kid/icky emotion holder and then suppress them" and it bothers me

Off of the top of my head, I can think of a few points that I want to cover...

• Emphasizing that thoughtcrime is not real and that your actions are what matter - you are not Bad for having messy thoughts and feelings (maybe link DBT stuff on radical acceptance of emotions?)
• My personal step-by-step strategy for emotional regulation: commit to not acting in the moment, identify the emotion, identify the cause of the emotion, validate the emotion, identify what the most productive action is, take the action
• Maybe also a bit on harm reduction and gradual progress - emphasize that it's okay to not be able to do all of this off the bat
• Ways that being plural can assist with emotional regulation: acting as "spotters" for each other (and practices to make sure everyone stays in contact during these moments), switching (but with caveats), imposed hugs
• Appendix of further reading for DBT resources, social skills, IFS, and other related topics

Comments

[mackerelgray]

Adding on, it definitely helps us to not have a Designated Caregiver along with the Designated Sufferer - like, I still tend to comfort my partner when they're anxious, and they tend to feel more anxiety at the point we're at, but I'm helping them out because I want to, and we're not meshing our selfhoods together with The One Who's Always Scared OR The One Who's Never Scared. Usually, if you're people, you'll feel a wide range of emotions!

--Gavin

[hungryghosts]

Also extremely important to note down, thank you!

[hungryghosts]

From Julian^Wonderbeasts: "Anyway, returning to the actual topic, I think another good addition would be emphasizing that emotional regulation is a process, and practicing emotional regulation when you're not feeling as emotionally dysregulated is very helpful for building the instincts that eventually allow you to impliment it when you are. Also maybe linking to the pocket crisis guide LB Lee has? Thinking about a crisis plan and all that can be useful"

YOU FOOL YOU HAVE ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD

[lb_lee]

Rogn: DBT is definitely handy for this stuff, especially the "distress tolerance" sorta stuff!

I'll also note that we generally have a policy of not taking action when we are Deeply Freaking Out, and that a big warning sign for us is when taking that time to calm down is Not Allowed. (Yes, sometimes there really are crisis moments that need immediate action... but those are a minority of the time, and also, if your life is filled with so many crisis points, SOMETHING IS WRONG.)

In our case, at a certain point emotions become so loud they are no longer identifiable as anything but Pain, and all we can do is set and wait for them to run their course, sometimes journaling or drawing through it to make sure the emotions get purged.

Also: dealing with not just the stressor (your boss shouting at you) but your own body's stress response (the shakes and adrenaline and flashbacks after), which is sometimes a completely separate thing! I took up running as a sort of endorphin reset, and there are plenty of other ways of doing that stuff too for folks who that doesn't work for. (Learned that one from Nagoski and Nagoski's Burnout: the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, and it seriously changed my life. It's up there with Cialdini's "how to ask for help" research on that front.)

[wobblegong]

You don't require my agreement but the force of my frowning moves me to validate that "I feel like a lot of emotional regulation in systems keeps being "designate one headmate as the Omelas kid/icky emotion holder and then suppress them" and it bothers me" SHOULD be bothersome! That is not a good idea. That sounds like something a therapist would tell you not to do 5 minutes into the first session! Mathing this out as any headcount:

• "As a singlet, I will devise a box to put all my icky emotions in and then suppress them" Nooooo! Bad! This sounds like an Opposite Day parody of how to deal with emotions!
• "As a system, I will pick out one headmate to hold all the icky emotions and then tell them to suppress the icky emotions" Doing this TO another person sounds even worse!!

Obviously desperate survival tactics are the purview of the desperate and I'm not going to go around piling on suffering people. But I felt myself assuming the "goobbue says Oh No" pose as I read that line.

Your other items sound very useful and interesting! Sending you good wishes and energy to get them written down. ♥

[synecdoches]

it was actually really important and pivotal for us to let our Omelas child out of the hole. very apt metaphor you've posed there